Planning for the imminent Apocalypse

We keep hearing that we’re headed for our doom.  The debt and deficit will turn us into the Weimar Republic any day now!  The zombies are coming!  We’re all gonna die!!!!

Only gold can save us.  Well gold and apparently Costco…

Meet the Costco Apocalypse Preparedness Pallet!

Perfect for weathering out the coming end-of-days in your bomb shelter or concrete bunker!  You and your family will be living high off the hog with this survival pallet of tasty goodness.  It’s important to keep your strength up to fight off the greedy hoards of zombies / Negroes / Muslim / poor / Chinese / Mexicans that are guaranteed to plague you and your family in this post-apocalypse nightmare world that’s coming (any day now!).  So stock up on healthy, nutritious food to go along with your well stocked armory and you’re ample supply of nameless, faceless fears and show the world you’re ready for anything.

When it comes to Food Storage, Chef’s Banquet has set a new standard for quality and taste. You won’t believe food storage can taste this good. All of the meals have been developed with the finest quality ingredients possible. The ARK (All-purpose Readiness Kit) is great for long term storage or for daily meals. With a full 2100 calories per day, per bucket, for one adult for 30 days, the ARK can be your stand alone food storage solution. Each of the meals takes less than 20 minutes to prepare (just add water).

  • 36 Buckets
  • Delicious just-add-water meals
  • Easy to open zip-seal mylar foil pouches
  • Oxygen absorber in every pouch
  • Easily Transportable
  • 6 gallon weather proof bucket
  • Shelf life – Up to 15 years – if stored in a dry, cool environment
  • No High Fructose Corn-Syrup
  • No MSG Nutritional information

Each ARK contains the following:

  • 330 Total servings
  • 2,100 calories/day for 30 days
  • Oatmeal – 60 Servings
  • Hearty Potato Soup – 60 Servings
  • Chicken Vegetable Stew – 30 Servings
  • Mixed Vegetables – 30 Servings
  • Instant Potatoes – 60 Servings
  • Macaroni & Cheese – 30 Servings
  • Beef Flavored Vegetable Stew – 30 Servings
  • Cheddar Broccoli Rice – 30 Servings

And I’m so glad there is no high fructose corn syrup or MSG!  Because it’s important to maintain our food standards after the end-of-the-world.


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5 thoughts on “Planning for the imminent Apocalypse

  1. I hate chicken! And beef flavor!

    And the famous last words: “Just add water”. What can possibly go wrong?

  2. You ever see the show “Doomsday Preppers” on Nat-Geo? There are some truly nutty people on that show with every theory under the sun, on all sides of the political aisle, with their idea for how to survive their version of the end times.

    My favorite so far was the guy in New York City who thought he could live through the Yellowstone Caldera erupting into a super-volcano.

  3. Exceeding this is dumbness are the light bulb hoarders, led by Charlie Sykes.

  4. Speaking of the apocalypse, I vivvidly remember a grade -school discussion at the time of the Cuban missle crisis. The problem the teacher presented us with was this: Imagine that nuclear war has broken out and you are in a bomb shelter with your family. You have enough food and water to survive until it’s safe to come out, but your neighbors –lazy bastards– haven’t bothered to build and stock a bomb shelter themselves and now want into yours. What do you do?

    Everyone seemed to agree that it would be best to let the neighbors die and shoot if necessary to keep them out. Some of the children were even enthusiastic about liquidating them. I was appalled. When the discussion got to me I said that if the world was like that I’d just as soon be dead anyway, and furthermore those little bomb shelters would be useless. The air and soil would be radioactive for years and everyone would die. Several children started to cry and the discussion ended. The teacher was very cross. She must have received some negative feedback from parents because my next report card noted that I had a “poor attitude”.

    I still do. When the apocalypse comes I’m going to be a conscientious objector. But in the meantime I guess there’s no law against making a few bucks off the rubes.

  5. This selection is not so good for vegetarians, either.

    I’m a little puzzled by this whole thing. So many Republicans in this state and country are acting as if the apocalypse is near, evidencing no concern for the need to preserve a clean environment for the future, for instance. But if it is near, why do they need the Chef’s Banquet ARK? They’ll be lifted to heaven … or will they be … left behind?

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