If I Did It: Confessions of an Election Rigger

My Inspiration!

This week, we found the absentee ballot fraud in Wisconsin, and wouldn’t you know it, it was Republicans doing it. Admitted felon Harry Wait of Racine County fraudulently requested ballots for 10 or so people who were not him using Wisconsin’s amazing and helpful elections website, MyVote.wi.gov. This violated state law, as the Wisconsin Elections Commission pointed out.

Wait’s admitted lawbreaking method fits nicely within the utterly false “2000 Mules” fantasy that is the current fever dream of election deniers. That is, left-leaning nonprofit organizations (never named in the film) fraudulently obtained tens of thousands of ballots and paid thousands of “mules” (also never identified by name in the film, or apparently to authorities because no one has been arrested for this scheme) to stuff those ballots–all with votes for Joe Biden–into ballot dropboxes. Why the nonprofits didn’t just drop these postage-paid absentee ballots into the mail, I have no idea. But it apparently was very, very important to the organizations to have their mules stuff the ballots into many different drop boxes all over town in several places. One of those places was Milwaukee, and the team behind the film fed our Assembly Elections and Campaigns Committee a lot of lies about it back in March.

But for funsies, let’s play the If I Did It game–what are the steps I, your humble folkbum, and your not-so-humble Democratic Party Election Rigger, would have taken in order to steal the 2020 Wisconsin election from Donald Trump in the manner now-admitted felon Harry Wait suggests we did.

Some prerequisites:

  • Donald Trump won Wisconsin in 2016 by 22,748 votes. Joe Biden won Wisconsin in 2016 by 20,682 votes. Sure, both candidates improved their raw vote totals by over 200,000 between the two elections, but If I Did It, I would look at the winning margins–If I Did It, I need to swing 43,430 votes.
  • Let’s assume that we in the Democratic Party Election Rigging Office really did pull off a steal of hundreds of nursing home votes. This is, of course, 100% false, but let’s pretend. That means there’s approximately an even 43,000 votes to pick off.
  • Let’s assume that many of the “indefinitely confined” voters in 2020 were fraudulent–If I Did It, I would toooootally have used that method. According to state records, the vast majority of the indefinitely confined in 2020, over 80%, had previously shown ID to prove voter eligibility, so clearly none of them were my fake voters. If I Did It as part of the Democratic Party Election Rigging Office, let’s say I made up 5% of them to be my fraudulent voters, about 14,000 total.
    • If I Did It, it would have been really difficult: I would have to invent out of whole cloth 14,000 names, birthdates, etc. And then I would have to identify thousands of confederates around the state who could receive these ballots because I can’t put my own address on all 14,000 of them!
    • But If I Did It, that would still leave 29,000 votes to find.
  • Let’s also assume that the “Zuckerbucks” increased turnout only for Joe Biden. If I Did It, I didn’t do a good job of that, because in some cases–like the City of Kenosha–Joe Biden lost ground to Trump compared to four years prior. But still, as I showed here, the maximum possible increase in Biden votes, If I Did It, was only about 21,000. So that’s still not enough to account for the swing–the Democratic Party Election Rigging Office and I still need about 8,000 more votes.

Man, that’s a lot of risky risks up there, combined with confirmed counterfactuals. Hard to imagine any of it being real, but this is a trip down make-believe lane, after all. So … 8,000 votes I would need to swing by the Harry Wait method of using MyVote to request more ballots. If I Did It, I would need these things:

  • 8,000 names and birthdates of real voters. If I Did It, this would be the easiest part (a lot easier than improving indefinitely combined people). The Democratic Party Election Rigging Office surely has sprung for voter lists with names of people have voted in the past. And you can find birthdates online for a lot of people. It would take a long time and, again, many confederates with the Democratic Party Election Rigging Office to do that work, but let’s pretend.
  • These names also need to all be from Milwaukee, because that’s where the nonprofits and the mules were working according to the science fiction of that movie. But that means all 8,000 ballot requests from me If I Did It would go to the Milwaukee clerk’s office, so I would need one or more confederates in there who could keep quiet that these voters’ ballots were all going to my address (or the address of some other confederates who could get the ballots to the nonprofits to give to the mules holy shit I am exhausted just imagining the logistics).
  • Knowledge that all 8,000 of these Milwaukee voters had previously uploaded their ID to MyVote or showed their ID in person and requested an absentee ballot in a previous election. I suppose, but I don’t know for sure because I am just playing make-believe here, that these voter lists obtained by the Democratic Party Election Rigging Office also show who has voted absentee in the past.
  • Assurance that none of these 8,000 City of Milwaukee likely voters were going to vote in November 2020, when election turnout was as high as it has ever been. Past voting is an incredibly reliable predictor of future voting, which makes this by far the diciest step I would have taken If I Did It. If any single one of these 8,000 voters also legitimately requests an absentee ballot, or had requested before me (If I Did It), or showed up at the polls on election day, I would be in big trouble because the fraud would be exposed. So If I Did It, I’d have to pick those voters very, very carefully.
  • And, of course, If I Did It I’d have to keep my fingers crossed that no one ever checks the transaction logs. Because every ballot request through MyVote is tracked. Every ballot sent by a clerk generates a record. Every single absentee envelope (with names and addresses and witnesses) would be inspected in case of a recount. A whole bunch of ballots going to my house, or a nonprofit, or a small-to-medium cadre of confederates in Milwaukee would raise a giant red flag if anyone looked at it.

See the problem here?

This plan–all of this, from nursing home thievery and indefinitely confined nonsense to the Harry Wait School Of Tomfoolery–is simply impossible to carry out successfully. If I Did It, if 43,000 or 14,000 or even just 8,000 votes in 2020 were scammed through a supposed vulnerability in MyVote, the evidence would be everywhere. You wouldn’t need “geofencing” of cell phones or a year-long investigation led by someone whose opening gambit was to aver he knew nothing about how elections work. There would be paper trails, hundreds or thousands of people involved some of whom surely would have talked by now, evidence of it when every single Milwaukee County ballot was recounted and every single Milwaukee County absentee ballot envelope was inspected by people of both parties including the aforementioned election know-nothing who has sucked up a million taxpayer dollars chasing ghosts and illusions.

If I Did It, it would be glaringly obvious and I would have been in jail months ago.

Harry Wait really did do it, though. Here’s to his upcoming imprisonment!

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