With the coronavirus vaccine rollout underway public health officials nationwide are justifiably worried about the percentage of Americans who have stated on social media platforms, (which is where all the best information comes from, by the way) that they don’t intend to be vaccinated against the virus for a variety of reasons. These range from a general distrust of the pharmaceutical industry, beliefs that Anthony Fauci is an alien lizard overlord with unknown, perhaps dark intent, that Robert F Kennedy couldn’t be wrong about anything because he’s a Kennedy, and the most ubiquitous concern of all: that Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates intends to microchip all of humanity so that he can track each of us from his living room for sport, or just for something to do, I guess..
But a weeks, or perhaps even months long investigation/rumination/fantasti-fabrication by this special correspondent to Blogging Blue, (yours truly), conducted from my perch in the deep north woods of Wisconsin during this pandemic self-imposed isolation that rivals anything Jack Nicholson endured in The Shining, has unearthed a plot so nefarious, so diabolical, so cunning, so malevolently elegant in both design and execution as to take one’s breath away, or at the very least prompt an earlier start to one’s retired afternoon pandemic Happy-I-think-I’ll have-a-beer- Hour. Brace yourselves. I know I am.
The fundamental premise: a genius as evil as Bill Gates doesn’t telegraph his punches. You don’t get to be the world’s third richest individual without a considerable capacity for a treacherous sleight of hand. Gates wouldn’t risk his heinous plan for global 5G tracking of all humanity by letting it leak ahead of time, in fact, it’s likely Gates himself promulgated the vaccine/microchip rumor to draw attention away from the real plan. And the real plan is ugly. Real ugly.
Remember the run on toilet paper last Spring? The panic buying, the empty shelves, the broad media coverage, the unmarked generic boxes, the supermarket rules limiting customers to a single package to ensure that everyone got at least one?
Who do you think inspired that panic? Think about it a minute. I’ll wait. That’s right people, the chip is in the asswipe! Bill Gates has already micro-chipped your ass!
The good news is that Bill Gates can’t see where you’re going. The bad news is he knows where you’ve been. The better news is that the chip can be removed but you’ll need a headlamp, some rubbing alcohol, cotton balls, a fine pointed tweezers and a very dedicated loved one. And I strongly recommend that the loved one wear a charcoal face covering during the removal procedure. ( Full disclosure, I have just recently invested very heavily in headlamps, rubbing alcohol, cotton balls, fine tweezers and charcoal flatulence deodorizing pads).
For those unable to afford the above mentioned items, a more homegrown, grassroots approach just might work, the reverse swipe. Whereas one typically starts from the bottom and works one’s way up, start from the top and work your way down. It might get a bit messy, and you may not actually remove the chip, but at the very least you’ll smear the lens Gates is using to spy on your backward going whereabouts. In this case hindsight is 2021.
So don’t despair, dear reader. And don’t give up. Together we can defeat the coronavirus AND Bill Gates through both the vaccine and heightened, targeted and surgical toileting habits.
And all juvenile joking aside, wear a mask, wash your hands, social distance, stay home as much as you can, and check with your primary care provider regularly about when the vaccine will be available to you and your loved ones, and then get it. By April 1st we should have started to round the bend with this thing.